Why Denmark hates Greenland
by blueboxgirl19
Summary: There was a reason Denmark hated Greenland. Inquire inside if you want to find out. Crack! Fic. Seriously, this is what you get when I am up at three in the morning and writing while I am hyped up on caffeine.


Disclaimer: I, as always, own nothing.

Why Denmark hates Greenland

It all started off as an average day for Denmark. He first got out of bed to take his usual piss in Norway's bathroom. Yes, it was necessary for him to go into Norway's bathroom; it was cleaner in there. Then he made his way out to the kitchen to find his little 'Norge'. He walked into the room to find Norway and Iceland eating oatmeal at the table.

"That's the food of pussies," Denmark declared. "I want meat."

Norway and Iceland both gave him blank stares while Mr. Puffin shouted at him to shut the fuck up.

At that moment Sweden and Finland came into the kitchen, Sweden looking as stoic as ever and Finland looking just a bit giddier than normal. Both Norway and Iceland looked away. Both of their rooms sandwiched the couple, they heard everything last night.

"Waldy!" Denmark jumped up and wrassled Sweden into a hug. The large Swede's face contorted into a look of disgust. He didn't want to touch Denmark.

"Dun to'ch m' pe's'n't! (Don't touch me peasant)" he muttered as he pushed Denmark away.

Hearing those words brought tears to the Dane's eyes. He wasn't a peasant; he was the god damn king of the Nordics. Denmark ran out of the house and kept running until he came to a small park. He decided to sit on a bench and rest. He pulled out his IPod and searched for his 'cheer up' music. The best song for his troubles came up first, making the Dane smile as he started to sing along.

"Hit me with your best shot…Why don't ya hit me with your best shot!"

Little did the Dane know that while he was singing, another country happened to walk by. He stopped when he heard the lyrics and smirked. The other country bailed out on whatever he was going to do to run back home.

He arrived breathless, but he pushed his way up the stairs to acquire his 'treasure'. He found it and held it up. He gazed at it longingly. It had been so long since he had used it. He brought it up to his face to nuzzle it with his nose.

"My precious." He whispered creepily as he held it to his chest and made his way out of his house and back to the park.

Meanwhile Denmark had decided to put the song on repeat. It was firing him up. He was going to go home and beat the shit out of Sweden. It was his destiny.

"Hit me with your best shot… come on, why don't ya hit me with your best shot and fire away!" Denmark singsonged, unaware of the other country behind him. The other country held up the lumpy sock, getting ready to hit Denmark with it.

"Hit me with your best –OWW!" Denmark screeched. "What the fuck was that?" he whipped his head around to find a smirking Greenland.

"What the hell Greenland? What did you hit me with?" The Dane screamed.

"My fap sock." Greenland stated casually as he caressed his sock.

"Wait, you hit me with what?" Denmark asked.

"My fap sock." Greenland stated again, holding up the sock to show the Dane.

"Why would you hit me with your fap sock?" Denmark questioned. He was very confused.

"Because you told me to." said the Greenlandic man. "MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he laughed as he sprinted away in search of new victims.

"Wait… fap sock… Oh no!" it finally dawned on Denmark what he had done. It dawned on him why Greenland was acting stupider than normal. Greenland never heard 'Hit me with your best shot.' His mind always translated it to 'Hit me with your fap sock.' "NO! I was just singing! I didn't mean- I didn't know- Fuck! I gotta get the others." He said as he made his way back home as quickly as possible.

"God dammit, not again." He muttered to himself as he hopped up the front steps and opened the door.

"My bros and Sweden! We have a crisis on our hands." yelled Denmark as he walked through the entry way and into the living room. The other Nordic countries came into the living room to find out what this 'crisis' was.

"What is it Denmark? Did you run out of beer?" Norway asked in a monotone voice.

"NO! I have enough beer for now, but there is a serious problem. Greenland has his fap sock again." The Dane said.

"What?" all the other Nordic countries said in unison.

"How did this happen? What did you do?" Norway said as he narrowed his eyes at Denmark.

"Well Norge, you see-" Denmark started before he was smacked across the face. The Dane looked up accusingly at Norway, only to get a glare back.

"Why would you sing the song in front of him again? This is a serious matter! People died last time Denmark! How could you?" Norway screamed.

"I didn't sing it in front of him knowingly." Denmark said, trying to defend himself.

"It dun' m'tt'r n'w. W' h've t' st'p h'm. (It doesn't matter now. We have to stop him.)" Sweden stated matter-of-factly.

"I suppose he's right." Norway said sadly. Finland jumped up and held his hand out.

"Alright! Nordics UNITE!" he shouted. Everyone jumped up at the same time and put their hands in as they shouted "UNITE!"

They were about to leave when all of a sudden a bright light almost blinded them. The Nordics closed their eyes instinctively. When they opened them, they were face to face with Poland in a fairy costume.

"Like okay guys. You, like, can't go out there and, like, beat Greenland dressed like that." He said as he brought out a wand.

"Raggle Fraggle." Poland the fairy said as he waved his wand. All of a sudden the Nordics clothing was replaced with super sexy suits, and the colors coordinated with the colors of their flags.

"Like okay, you guys are, like, totes ready to go fight now!" Poland squealed. He waved his wand one more time. "Like, Ravioli, Ravioli, give me the formuoli." And with that he vanished.

The Nordics made their way outside to find Greenland. Iceland made his puffin carry him while he flew so they had an aerial view. Not even a few minutes after being in the air did Iceland spot Greenland beating the shit out of France. Mr. Puffin screeched and started his downward decent. Iceland let go of his puffin and landed on the ground Tim Tebow style and ran ahead of the others.

By the time all of the Nordics had done their awesome entry with glitter (because they are mother fucking gay god dammit.), body builder poses (because they are fucking muscular and shit), and fireworks (because they motherfucking can.) they took action. The sad thing is that when the Nordics were ready for him, Greenland was nowhere in sight. It seems the Nordics were so into what they were doing that they did not see it when Greenland left after finishing France off. So now the Nordics were looking at the bloody, semen-y mess that was France. They laughed a little, and then left to go find Greenland.

After searching for 30 minutes, they finally found Greenland, who was beating up yet another helpless victim.

Denmark immediately jumped at Greenland and tried to take the fap sock away. The crazy country elbowed the Dane in the face and turned around.

"FIGHT ME ALMIGHTY FIGHTER!" Greenland yelled.

Denmark didn't even reply because he was holding his bloody nose. Norway then deemed it necessary that he had to join in to help the Danish idiot. He sicked his troll on Greenland. Little did Norway know that Greenland's fap juices would scare his troll away. The troll just really didn't like human cum. So Norway decided to just go in there and hit Greenland with a magical stick.

Now, Greenland puts up with a lot of bullshit from other countries. But there was no way in hell that the representative of Greenland was going to let some asshole country come up to him and start hitting him with a fucking magical stick. That was NOT happening. So he acted as anyone else would have. He took the stick away from Norway and started to hit the country back.

As anyone would have guessed, Norway did not like physical abuse put unto him. It reminded him of the Viking days with Sweden and Denmark. He did not like remembering that he was basically their bitch back then. It hurt his pride, so Norway did as anyone else would have. He ran away.

It was Sweden's turn. He thought that for sure that if just gave Greenland one of his scary glares; he would stop what he was doing and run away for his life, out of fear that Sweden would hurt him. Yep, that's what he thought. But as luck and intelligence has it, Sweden was wrong. When Sweden walked up to Greenland and tapped him on the shoulder and waited for the other country to turn around. As Greenland turned around, he put on his most scariest, pissed off face and held up his sock. Sweden gasped at the scariest face he had ever seen in his life; it was scarier than his own scary face. Greenland flicked his wrist and hit Sweden in the forehead with his fap sock. Greenland smiled as he watched a stream of blood flood down the Swede's face. Then the sight of the century happened. Sweden cried. Sweden cried and ran away behind a bush, where he hid himself from the Greenlandic man.

Now it was tiny Finland's turn. Finland decided to do his special move, a move that no one else could master.

"I call to the gods of cheesy and weird children's shows. Moomins, give me the strength to defeat this fap sock demon." He chanted.

And all of a sudden Finland wasn't tiny anymore (think He Man). Finland grew into a monster. He was big and beefy. He was every gay uke's dream. Every uke in the universe wanted to be bedded by this badass mother fucker. Finland stood there in a striking pose, holding his salmiakki sword to the sky.

Greenland just dead-panned at the ferocious Fin. He held up his hand and smacked the salmiakki sword away. Finland moved to hit Greenland in the head, but he fap sock swinging country dodged it and did a full- blown Goku, sending Finland flying to the sky, like how Team Rocket does when Ash beats their ass. Greenland gave a victory laugh and looked around for his next victim.

With all the other Nordics gone, Iceland didn't know what to do. Could he take down this psychopath by himself? Then an idea came to him.

"Oi Greenland! I challenge you to a fapping duel."

Greenland's head whipped around and he smirk as he spotted Iceland.

"Challenge accepted."

They walked towards each other, both pulling out a sock from their pockets as they did so. They stared each other down as they sat on the ground.

Still staring at each other, they opened the front of their pants and pushed down the top of boxers.

Iceland looked down to see the size of Greenland's package. The odd thing was, was that Iceland didn't see Greenland's dong.

Greenland noticed Iceland looking at him. He knew what Iceland was leaning over to see.

"It's an Insta-penis." Greenland said in a bragging way as he pulled out a bottle of water. "Just add water!" he said as he drenched his tiny member, which soon grew into a fully fledged ten inch penis.

"How convenient!" Poland said as he popped up out of nowhere. Hungary and Japan instantly surrounded Greenland and took pictures, while Greenland just stared smugly at Iceland.

"Ya know that will, like, totes help me when I get dressed. I won't have to, like, wear five pairs of panties! Where did you get it?" Poland squealed. Iceland gave him a look. "Oh that's right, you were, like, going to duel."

"Ready… set… GO!" Iceland screamed the last word.

And so it started. The duel of the century was happening at that moment. Both sat cross- legged and reached a hand out to grab their manhood. Putting the sock over their sticks, they began the duel, each stroking themselves through the sock, and releasing into the sock.

It took awhile before both were done. Both only had a few more orgasms left to finish and fill their socks.

"Give it up Iceland *pant* you will never win *pant* I am the fap king." growled Greenland.

"NEVER!" screamed Iceland, as he released himself into the sock once again.

"NOOOOOOOO!" screeched Greenland. "You cannot beat me peasant!"

Time slowed as Iceland got his pre-orgasm face. Greenland saw this and sped up his masturbating to 'Super Greenland Speed'.

Unfortunately Greenland did not know that there was only one other person in history of the world to use 'Super Greenland Speed'. That man died. The speed was really only for someone who had one hell of a strong ass dick; no one has ever had one hell of a strong ass dick. So when Greenland sped up, he did not know that he would swell and then explode into a million pieces.

It was over.

It was done.

He won.

With gut pieces all over his face, Iceland slipped the sock off of his member and put it away for safe keeping. He was going to remember this day. This was the day that he was victorious. His fap sock was his trophy that he would display at a museum, so his people knew that the representative of Iceland was the one that defeated Greenland. He shall now be known as The Fap King.

Zipping his pants up, Iceland stood tall and started running into the sunset. Out of nowhere, all the other Nordics came up, running behind the victor. They jumped in the air and epically changed into eagles.

America walked out of his house and saw the five eagles flying into the sunset. "YEAH! 'MURICA!" He yelled as he fisted pumped and jumped in the air.

That. My friends, is how the Nordics left after a long and heard battle of fighting the fap sock wielding monster that was Greenland.


End file.
